SmellingCoffee.com

... the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Christ in every place...

You are here: Home / Archives for So Long Insecurity

So Long Insecurity

So Long Insecurity Book Club – Week 4, Chapters 10-12

Hi friends~  I can NOT tell you how hard it has been to be silent here, on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest!  I feel SO out of the proverbial loop!  Though I did get a good outline and some research started for my book (www.FallingOnYourKnees.com) I think this will be a much bigger project than I originally imagined.  Prayer and Husbands are two subjects that require more than just my simple thoughts.  I appreciate YOUR prayers for me as I plug along in this process.  It may be 2015 before the book is done… but it will be in God’s timing because it will have to be written only by His wisdom and leading.

And while I have the floor here, I wanted to pass along something I just found out about.  (You may already know about this – since you may be way more plugged in right now than I am.  If so, forgive the redundancy.)  Beginning this Sunday, March 3, a new mini-series will begin on the History Channel.  The official website for the series is here.

“The Bible is a ten-hour, five-week, miniseries created and produced by husband and wife team, Roma Downey (Touched By an Angel) and Mark Burnett (The Voice, Survivor, Shark Tank, Celebrity Apprentice). Beginning on March 3, 2013, for two hours each Sunday night, viewers will see some of the best-known stories from the Bible, from Noah’s Ark and the Exodus to Jesus’ birth & the disciples. The final episode of The Bible TV miniseries will air on Easter Sunday and will feature the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus. There are many corresponding resources available.” (quote from the website)

I also read this about it:  To help ensure the accuracy of the miniseries, many Christian scholars served as advisors and hundreds of Christian leaders have given their endorsement.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know about it.  We will definitely be setting our DVR to record this.

On to the So Long Insecurity discussion of chapters 10-12

So Long Insecurity book

Chapters 10-12

All three of these chapters were about men and how we women hand over much of our security to those in our lives of this other gender.  As part of Beth’s research, she asked her blog participants to see if the men in their lives would be willing to answer a few questions for her.  It was all done anonymously and my dear hubby was one of the ones who answered.  (I was dying to know what he said… even gave him these chapters to read and see if his response was quoted… but he kept reminding me that it was anonymous and wouldn’t tell me! It made me so insecure… Darn it!)

She asked them these questions:

1)     What are your primary areas of insecurity, and how do they tend to act on you? (In other words, how do you normally act when you’re feeling insecure?)

2)   What is the most common way you notice insecurity in women?

Boy! What insight they gave.  Want to know something she (and we) learned?  Men struggle with insecurity just as much as women do.  That’s worth saying again.  Men struggle with insecurity as much as women do.  It’s just in different areas and they show it in different ways.

As these honest men answered question one, we discovered that men are insecure about their looks, size, and weight.  They battle worry over whether their ladies are attracted to them and will be faithful to them.  They want to be “perfect” for their wives.  But most of all, it seems that they fear failure.  Of anything.  But mostly of the failure to provide and the failure to prove himself as a man.  Men feel like they have to earn their man-hood.  And they are insecure if their man-hood is questioned.

Interesting.

When a woman is insecure, she will tend to cling.  When a man is insecure, he will tend to withdraw.   “Force space and deny that he’s doing it.  If quietness doesn’t work, excessive irritation, agitation, or anger can usually do the job.”  (p. 194)

Are any of the men in your life doing this?

Somehow realizing that men struggle with the same things we do puts us all on a much more level playing field.  As chapter 10 is entitled, men are “Neither gods nor devils.”

As our men shared answers to the second question (What is the most common way you notice insecurity in women?) I was amazed at their insight.  They saw things about us that we women don’t even realize are visible.  These are some of the things they know about us:

  • They catch us literally sizing each other “up one side and down the other,” especially if we feel threatened.
  • They KNOW that we compare ourselves to other women.
  • They know that we feel insecure when we “talk too much.”
  • Cleavage  – the number one key to a man in knowing if a woman is insecure.  If she bares a lot of it, though he might appreciate it, he knows that she is looking for security.
  • They can tell how secure/insecure we are by how we dress and by how much skin we show or don’t show.  “The more skin they show, the more insecure they are,” said one man.
  • They blame our full-blown emotional episodes on our insecurities.  The nerve of them!
  • Our obsession with what people think is a major indicator of our insecurity.
  • They notice our insatiable need for affirmation and recognize it as insecurity.
  • One man suggested that insecure women ask a lot of “Am I?” questions.  Questions like: Am I beautiful?  Am I worthy?  Am I desirable? Am I delightful?  Am I smart? Am I a good mom?…

An insightful husband had this to share:

“Typical, common, widespread insecurities include looks, body shapes, lack of education or perceived intelligence, neediness, and many others.  It manifests itself in nagging, self-doubt, self-loathing, seeking approval/validation, and the need for constant reassurance.  It gets quite tiring for men who, as we get older, just love you for exactly the way you are.  Can you not understand that?  We are not lying if we tell you we love you, you are beautiful and appealing, and we enjoy being with you immensely.  When women’s insecurities are vividly displayed to us, it turns us off, frustrates us to no extent, and perplexes us. Get over it!”  (p. 236-237)

The ending conclusions?

1.  We must realize this: “Men are human flesh and blood caught up in the conflict between the sacred and the crude, just like we are.  They also waver miserably between what they really need and what they think they want.  They have been hurt by women just like we have been hurt by men.  They have felt overpowered and undervalued by women just like we have by men.  They have felt under our spell just like we’ve felt under theirs.  All of us have a human nature that is selfish and depraved, yet by Christ’s touch, is also graced with wonder and good.  We are fellow sojourners here with feet of clay, and neither man nor woman is immune to broken hearts, chipped, minds, and crumbled lives.”

2.  Men are more intrigued by a confident woman who carries herself well and knows who she is than they are a woman with a picture-perfect body who seems little more than that.  Insecurities repel.  They do not attract.  They invite resistance and uncertainty.

3.  We {women} must stop trying to C.O.N.T.R.O.L. the men in our lives.  God created them a certain way, and honestly… do we really want to feminize them?  Yet that’s just what we try to do when we demand that they act and react like we would.  James used to call me H.S. (short for a junior Holy Spirit) because I would try to tell him all of these things that I thought he should be hearing from God.  Things, incidentally that I would do.  Wrong!  I’ve learned to pray those things into his life rather than to lecture them in {for the most part}.

4.  Women think we will feel secure when we are in control.  But truthfully, the only way we will ever feel secure is when we surrender control to the ONE who holds the world in the palm of His Hand.  Submission is a beautiful word for a woman.  When we submit to the Lord and give over control of our lives, days, checkbooks, schedules, minds, hearts, bodies, etc… When we give the Lord Jesus Christ control of all of that, we can be the most secure women in the world.  That’s how God made us to be.  Filled and satisfied and secure in the care of Jesus.

What do you think about this?

May God bless each of you with the covering of His Strength and Dignity. 🙂

signature

So Long Insecurity – Week 3, Discussion of chapters 4-6

So Long Insecurity book

Hi my friends~ This week’s reading took us into some deep inner places… places that most of us would prefer not to go. I remember that feeling of forced honesty about myself when I read these chapters for the first time. And I also remember telling James that I was more messed up and dysfunctional than I thought!  haha.  If you’ve felt this way after these three chapters, never fear! Hope is on its way. We are tearing down some false positives so that we can build back and heal with Truth.

In chapter four, we looked at some Biblical characters and the insecurities they battled. We can  recognize their insecurities because their words, actions, and reactions gave them away… just as ours do us.  Characters like: Sarai,  Hagaar,  Leah,  Rachel,  Moses.  King Saul,  the Woman at the well, and, the Apostle Paul…

I made a little list of some of their (and our) outward evidences of insecurity. Do any of these resonate with you?

  • Jealousy
  • Feeling Threatened (whether real or perceived threat)
  • Feeling Unloved
  • Feeling Un-valued
  • Disbelief in God
  • Distrust in God or people
  • Disobedience
  • Terror of Loss
  • A Hatred of Someone Else’s Success
  • The Need to be Considered the Best/Top/Greatest
  • Unrelenting Self Promotion
  • The Desire for the Destruction of Others (And taken further, the plotting and carrying out of schemes to purposefully destroy)
  • Constantly Looking for Love and Affection
  • Constantly Seeking to be Uplifted and Praised by others
  • Affirming One’s Own Credentials {or as we say down here: tooting one’s own horn}
  • A Big Ego
  • Continual Condemnation Over Past Sin

The best thing about this list, however, is this quote from the end of chapter four:

“The fact that the inspiration of the Holy Spirit on the pages of Scripture is not dampened by the insecurities of those God chose to pen it is perhaps the greatest testimony to its incomparable potency.  After the likes of Adam, Eve, Abraham, Sarah, Hagar, Leah, Rachel, Saul, the woman at the well, the super-apostles, and Paul, surely we can breathe a sigh of relief that we are not alone in our struggles.  Human flesh and blood have no weakness so strong that God’s strength is made weak.”

A men?  I praise God that He not only knows our weaknesses, but that He will help us over come them and will use us in spite of them. As Luke 1:27 says, “For with God nothing is ever impossible and no word from God shall be without power or impossible of fulfillment.”

Something God has been teaching me this past year finally clicked in both my mind and heart as I re-soaked these chapters.  When someone exhibits one or more of these actions or attitudes, instead of becoming offended, hurt, or defeated, I need to remember that he/she is acting, speaking, or reacting out of his OWN insecurity. Sometimes the very people that bully others are the ones who battle insecurity the most.  Wow!  It’s making me look at those with overbearing personalities in a different light.  Knowing this makes me feel actual sorrow for them (and their families) instead of hurt by or angry with them.  When dealing with difficult and hateful people, it helps to remember that “Hurting people hurt people.”   Our insecurities don’t excuse our sins, but they can explain them.

  • Have you been hurt because someone acted or reacted out of his/her insecurities?
  • Have you been the one to hurt someone else because you acted out of your own insecurities? 

These are some questions to take to the Lord before our own healing can begin.  Forgiveness and seeking forgiveness is hard for one who battles insecurities, but God commands it – for our own good and for His glory – and He will give us the strength to seek restoration with both Himself and man.  Friends, don’t let your insecurities rob you of healing!!!

*    *     *

In chapters five and six, we looked at a few roots of insecurity…those kinds of situations that set us up for an instant fall.  Thankfully, along with each example, Beth shares some Truth from God’s Word, which sets us up for a healing restoration.

These situations provide a breeding ground for insecurity:

  • Instability in the Home – which can promote thoughts such as, “No one will take care of me – even those who should.”  One of our book club ladies gave a wonderful definition of dysfunction in the home: Any time anyone must dance to someone else’s tune… or anytime anyone must walk on eggshells around someone else.  That certainly makes sense, and can foster great and chronic insecurities!

But get this Truth from God’s Word:

“Even when you are old, I will be the same.  Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you.  I made you and will take care of you.  I will carry you and save you.”  Isaiah 46:4, NCV

Isn’t that beautiful???

  • A Significant Loss – A loss of anyone or anything prized, upon which one’s security is based.  These can be losses by broken attachments, loss of face, loss of innocence, and loss of childhood.  Beth says, “Insecurity can result from a broken attachment of any kind, even one that seems relatively minor to others.  If it translated as something huge to your heart, it is huge to God on your behalf.”
  • Rejection – “Nothing shouts a more convincing lie about our personal value than rejection… We can confuse 80 percent reciprocation with 100 percent rejection.” (chapter 5)  Rejection leads terrible thoughts such as:
    • I’m not worth wanting.
    • I’m not worth loving.
    • I’m not even worth liking.
    • I’m not worth pursuing.
    • I’m not worth fighting for.
    • I’m not worth keeping.
    • I’m not worth hiring.
    • I’m not even worth noticing.

This is what God says about us:

“I have chosen you and have not rejected you.  So do not fear, for i am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.”  Isaiah 41:9-10

  • Dramatic Change – Anything unknown or suddenly unavoidable.   Most of us find incredible security in things staying the same.  I know that I do.   Beth pointed out that a history of unwelcomed changes invite us to become addicted to dread – living life with the constant expectation that something bad is just around the corner.  Henry Blackaby’s says, “You can’t stay where you are and go with God.”  I have to often remind myself of that truth.  But more than Mr. Blackaby’s quote, listen to what God has to say about life:

    “Don’t be misled, my dear brothers and sisters.  Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens.  He never changes or casts a shifting shadow.  He chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word.  And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession.”  James 1:16-18, NLT

 

  • Personal Limitations – anything that makes us feel different or inferior.   Beth writes, “Attitude is everything when it comes to limitations, and the way you view yourself will acutely shape how others view you.  Nothing is more impressive than a person who is secure in the unique way God made her…God can bring freedom and vision to your life because of those limitations that you would lnever have discovered without them.  You can let your limitations make you either insecure or unstoppable.”

 

Chapter five closes with an explanation that our personal dispositions affect how we view our situations.   Often times, insecurity results from the way we’ve coped rather than healed.  But healing is exactly why Jesus traded His life for ours… Taking on our pains and and our sorrows and our sins, giving His life for ours, so that we could live!

Chapter six discusses the two biggest assaults on our security:  The Culture and our own Pride.   Both are screaming “Somebody notice me!”  We could go on for days about these two!

There is a difference between pride and self confidence.   Pride is looking in to look up, thinking and basing everything first on “I” “me” or “my”. Confidence is the certainty of God-given identity and the conviction that nothing can take that away.  It is looking up to look in and basing life and thoughts first on God.

Self Confidence is actually God-Confidence. 

If we stopped our reading at these chapters, we might feel hopelessly justified in our insecure pits.  But let’s keep going – and with God’s help, climb out of the pits of self-awareness and insecurity.

 

O my soul, bless God.
From head to toe, I’ll bless his holy name!
O my soul, bless God,
don’t forget a single blessing!

He forgives your sins—every one.
He heals your diseases—every one.
He redeems you from hell—saves your life!
He crowns you with love and mercy—a paradise crown.
He wraps you in goodness—beauty eternal.
He renews your youth—you’re always young in his presence.

 God makes everything come out right;
he puts victims back on their feet.

Psalm 103:1-6

What do you think about the info in these chapters?  Do you see yourself reflected anywhere?  Please share…

Next weeks’ assignment?  Chapters 7-9.  We’re tearing down so God can build back up.  Let’s let Him have His way!

Jennifer

“So Long Insecurity” Book Club – Week 2, Chapters 1-3

“Are we honestly going to insist on drawing our security from people – men or women – who are oblivious to the inordinate amount of weight we give to their estimation of us?”

And that’s how we began our discussion of the first three chapters of Beth Moore’s So Long Insecurity.  It was a very good place to start.  Don’t you think?

So Long Insecurity book

One of the truths Beth points out is that “if I really want to go, something has to happen to make me want to leave where I am.”  This same truth is a major theme in Henry Blackaby’s Experiencing God – “You can’t stay where you are and go with God.”

We want to be secure women!  Women who don’t evaluate ourselves based on human opinion or comparisons.  Women whose self-esteem is based on God’s esteem.

If that’s the case – If we want to be God-secure women, then some things in our thinking, acting, and reacting will have to change!

Chapter 2 held a great definition of insecurity:

Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt – a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world.  Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships.  The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate.”

We took this definition and circled the words that ear-mark insecurity.  Words like:

self-doubt

uncertainty

chronic self-consciousness

lack of confidence

anxiety

constant fear of rejection

deep uncertainty of the legitimacy of feelings and desires

Do any of these words describe your struggle?

“You and I are going to have to come to a place where we stop handing people the kind of power only God should wield over us… The answer is to deal with the insecurity, believing that everything God says about us is true.”   (Chapter 2)

Beth says, “Most of us have what I call a prominent false positive: one thing that we think would make us more secure in all things.  You want to know how you can pinpoint your own prominent false positive?  The thing you tend to associate most with security?  Think of a person you believe to be secure and determine what earthly thing he or she has that you don’t feel like you possess…the one thing that would make you more secure in all things….”

In other words, what is it that you see in other people that makes you think that if you possessed that thing, you wouldn’t have a reason to be insecure?

Things like thinness or shapely figure, financial security, great house, perfect kids, wonderful husband, fantastic job, designer wardrobe, exotic vacation,  etc…  When we all know deep down inside that is NOT the truth!  We could have every one of these things and still be the most anxious, self-doubting, self-conscious, uncertain and fearful woman in the world.  Those false positives are exactly that – FALSE.

What are your “false positives?”  I was quite convicted of my own!  I encourage you to spend a little time thinking and asking God to identify your false positives so that you and the Lord can break them apart one by one.

Chapter three closes with the main challenge for each one of us:

“to let the healthy, utterly whole, and completely secure part of us increasingly overtake our earthen vessels until it drives our every emotion, reaction, and relationship.  When we allow God’s truth to eclipse every false positive and let our eyes spring open to the treasure we have, there in His glorious reflection we’ll also see the treasure we are.  And the beauty of the Lord our God will be upon us (Psalm 90:17, NKJV).”

That’s what I want. How about you???

**Next week’s assignment: Read chapters 4-6.
Much love to each of you~
Jennifer

So Long Insecurity Book Club – Week 1

So Long Insecurity book

Hi ladies~  It’s not too late to read (or re-read) Beth Moore’s book, So Long Insecurity with us.  Our class at FBC Cleveland started this past Sunday night and if you are in the Cleveland area, we’d love for you to pop in and join us. {We have a few books left.}   If  you are not local, you can join us here because I’ll be posting from our Sunday night class on the blog.

We started our discussion with naming some things that tie up women in insecurity.   What would you have said?

  • Outward appearance
  • Skills
  • Family – husbands, children
  • Homes
  • Posessions
  • Achievements
  • And the list goes on and on

Comparison seems to be the key.  In fact, it was when I read this book several years ago that I learned something so important that I’ve shared it almost every time I get a chance.  I know I’ve shared it here a few times, but it bears repeating:

Comparison NEVER produces anything good.  NEVER.  If we compare ourselves and/or what we are/have with someone else, and we end up deciding we are/have the better of the two, we will have a wrongly inflated view of ourselves.  If we end up the lesser of the two, we will have a wrongly deflated view of ourselves.  We will either be filled with pride or with self-loathing.  Comparison NEVER works.  The only One and Thing to which aw are to compare ourselves is Jesus Christ and what His Word says about us.  Any other comparison leaves us falsely defined.

Then we took our books and wrote a letter to Jesus on the front cover. (We are keeping our books between ourselves and the Lord – as in we are hiding them from everyone else in our homes!)  In this letter we wrote three things.  1) We described the present season of our lives.  2) Described what made us pick up the book in the first place.  3) Listed what we are praying to gain from these next six weeks in this book.

If you are reading the book with us, why don’t you stop and do this right now?

We shared a few of  our own insecurities and how we pray to change over the next six weeks.  We laughed a lot – at our selves – and declared that in the name of Jesus, we would be much more secure women on the other side of this study.

Because so much of our insecurities lie within our appearances, before the class ended I gave everyone a sticky note and asked them to write at least 5 things about themselves that they love.  This was a harder task than it seemed.  I then challenged them to list something about their bodies from neck up that they loved.  Then from the neck to hips.  Then from legs and feet.  They are to keep this list in their books and use it as a book mark, and ADD to it whenever they discover something else about themselves for which they can gratefully love.

It’s so easy to think of things that we don’t like about ourselves… and we worry that liking something about ourselves is being prideful.  But being so critical of ourselves and not appreciating the good things God has given us… That dishonors our  Creator. 

In the end, we decided that we need to decorate and celebrate what we have, and learn to be grateful for the good things God has placed within us – even if right now we can name only “superficial” things like good hair or pretty nails.  I know that eventually those lists will be full-   because I’m praying that each lady who goes through this study will learn to receive her security from Christ – and from no where else.  And Jesus Christ knows and loves the intimate details of each of us.  We are beautiful to Him, in Him, and through Him.

Start your list today.  Even if you aren’t reading the book with us, I encourage you to get alone with Jesus for a few minutes, and let Him love on you as you list out some good things about yourself.  Ask Him what you are to celebrate about yourself, and gratefully acknowledge that whatever it is that is good – all comes from God!  He loves you so, my friends!

Your assignment for the week?  Read chapters 1-3.  Highlight what speaks to you.  Write notes in your book.  Pray through it with Jesus.  And let Him start to replace your human-based insecurity with His overwhelming love.  Look for  your security in Him this week as you process the information in these chapters.

Next Tuesday, I’ll post our discussion questions from weeks 1-3 and I hope you’ll join in and share what God is doing in you as you read. 🙂

Now… I’d love to hear from you.  What five things do you love about yourself?  Don’t worry about sounding superficial or prideful.  Don’t compare yourself to others.  What about YOU?  Share your comments below.  I’ll start and leave the first comment. 🙂

May the Lord be glorified through each of us as we learn to receive our security in Him!

“So, my very dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.”  James 1:16-18 (MSG)